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I feel it August 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 1:06 pm
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That sneaky feeling of depression and anxiety creeping up. 

It’s been about 3 weeks since I stopped taking my anti-depressant.  Before you go all crazy on me (mom I know you read this), I’m really doing well.  Here’s what led up to this decision. 

  • Getting a job really helped me to feel like I was doing something.  I know being a mom is doing something.  But, when your child is too little to acknowledge the fact that you’re doing a good job, it’s hard to feel like your life is meaningful.
  • Jacob changed jobs.  His previous job provided full family insurance.  His new job (teacher) pays for his insurance and the rates for family coverage are outrageous.  So, we filled out an application for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Oklahoma.  I didn’t do a great job filling out the application and left some health history stuff off (the fact that I am no longer taking Metformin or Clomid), so my coverage got denied.  I’m in the process of submitting more information and hopefully I will be approved.  Anyways…this leaves me without insurance.  Pristiq-the anti-depressant I was taking, is extremely expensive even with insurance. 

So, I stopped taking my anti-depressant, because I can’t afford to refill it without insurance.  I do have about a month and a half supply that I can start taking again if I start feeling really bad.    I’ve been doing really well without it though.

But because I’ve dealt with it long enough, I know what depression/anxiety actually feels like  when it starts…I can tell there’s something not quite right.  But, I’m not bailing on my decision to be without the medication, just yet.  I’m going to do everything in my power to overcome these feelings. 

I’ve always been one to worry about things I can’t control, and that’s where a lot of these feelings are coming from.  Work has dramatically slowed down and my hours have been cut.  So, the fear of being once again jobless is always in the back of my mind.  Being without insurance is scary as well.  What if I get really sick?  What if Lexi gets really sick?  My weight is a big (literally) factor in my moods also.  I’m trying to watch what I eat.  But, when I’m hungry, I tend to be grumpy.  The heat of summer is killing me!  It’s too hot to do anything.  Just a simple trip to the grocery store is annoying, and even Lexi gets annoyed with the heat, so that makes her grumpy too!

So, I keep telling myself that these are all temporary feelings that will go away.  I just feel like an anti-depressant isn’t something you should take forever and ever.   And I’ve been on some sort of anti-depressant for several years now.  I know it isn’t something to take lightly, and I’m not.  I also know you shouldn’t go off any medication without your dr’s advice….but I’m also very stubborn and think my decisions are always right. 

Anyways…sorry that turned into a long ramble.  Just had to put those feelings out there.

 

Psychiatrist Appt. #2 April 5, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 8:54 pm
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I was so nervous last night that I could barely sleep. I always feel like dr’s are going to make me drag up old emotions and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I know that’s their job and it would probably make me feel better to talk about some things. But at the same time I feel like I don’t have time or energy to deal with it.
The appt. was good though. Dr. Forbes was content with the new dosage of Pristiq. I told her I had no idea it was even an option to increase the dosage until she mentioned it at my last visit. Why is it that PCP’s don’t give you these options? We talked about anxiety and insomnia. She feels like maybe if I got a little more restful sleep then I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with anxiety. She upped my dosage of Trazodone from 50-100mg to 150-200mg. This is another medicine that no PCP had ever given me the option of.
I was also pleasantly surprised that the insurance had gone back and payed something on my last visit. Yay!
I don’t have another visit until June 1. Hopefully if everything is going well, I will be able to space the appts out even further than that.