5 years ago today it was snowy. I was at work. We had been married only a couple months. But, I just knew that I was pregnant. When all of the sudden at work I just started gushing blood. I drove myself home, and called Jacob at work. Told him I thought I was having a miscarriage. I drove myself to the ER. The sign said people would be taken back in order of importance. They called someone back with a cold before me. A homeless-looking person was the only other person sitting in the ER with me. When they called me back they asked me how far along I was. I didn’t know. I just knew that something was wrong. Jacob got there, my mom got there. I think I was in shock. I didn’t know how to act. I wasn’t in an extreme amount of pain. They did an ultrasound. There was nothing there. The nurse made me feel like I was stupid for being there. I will never forget her. I don’t remember her name or what she looked like, but I remember how she treated me. We went home. And just like that, it was over.
Little did I know that would only break the surface of the heartache I would experience in the coming years. I had more of those ultrasounds with nothing on the screen. I had more of those middle of the night ER trips.
My life doesn’t revolve around those times. But I do think about it. And on days like today it is surreal. I could have a 4 year old right now.
But, if I wouldn’t have lost my other babies I wouldn’t have my Lexi.
She’s my miracle, my everything, and the reason I get out of bed every day.
My angel babies, I love you and miss you!