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I feel it August 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 1:06 pm
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That sneaky feeling of depression and anxiety creeping up. 

It’s been about 3 weeks since I stopped taking my anti-depressant.  Before you go all crazy on me (mom I know you read this), I’m really doing well.  Here’s what led up to this decision. 

  • Getting a job really helped me to feel like I was doing something.  I know being a mom is doing something.  But, when your child is too little to acknowledge the fact that you’re doing a good job, it’s hard to feel like your life is meaningful.
  • Jacob changed jobs.  His previous job provided full family insurance.  His new job (teacher) pays for his insurance and the rates for family coverage are outrageous.  So, we filled out an application for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Oklahoma.  I didn’t do a great job filling out the application and left some health history stuff off (the fact that I am no longer taking Metformin or Clomid), so my coverage got denied.  I’m in the process of submitting more information and hopefully I will be approved.  Anyways…this leaves me without insurance.  Pristiq-the anti-depressant I was taking, is extremely expensive even with insurance. 

So, I stopped taking my anti-depressant, because I can’t afford to refill it without insurance.  I do have about a month and a half supply that I can start taking again if I start feeling really bad.    I’ve been doing really well without it though.

But because I’ve dealt with it long enough, I know what depression/anxiety actually feels like  when it starts…I can tell there’s something not quite right.  But, I’m not bailing on my decision to be without the medication, just yet.  I’m going to do everything in my power to overcome these feelings. 

I’ve always been one to worry about things I can’t control, and that’s where a lot of these feelings are coming from.  Work has dramatically slowed down and my hours have been cut.  So, the fear of being once again jobless is always in the back of my mind.  Being without insurance is scary as well.  What if I get really sick?  What if Lexi gets really sick?  My weight is a big (literally) factor in my moods also.  I’m trying to watch what I eat.  But, when I’m hungry, I tend to be grumpy.  The heat of summer is killing me!  It’s too hot to do anything.  Just a simple trip to the grocery store is annoying, and even Lexi gets annoyed with the heat, so that makes her grumpy too!

So, I keep telling myself that these are all temporary feelings that will go away.  I just feel like an anti-depressant isn’t something you should take forever and ever.   And I’ve been on some sort of anti-depressant for several years now.  I know it isn’t something to take lightly, and I’m not.  I also know you shouldn’t go off any medication without your dr’s advice….but I’m also very stubborn and think my decisions are always right. 

Anyways…sorry that turned into a long ramble.  Just had to put those feelings out there.

 

changes July 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 12:07 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Well, the subject says it all.  There are big changes happening in our life right now.  And being the couple that we are, neither one of us likes change, so we have to go through a period where we mope around about it. 

Change #1 was me going back to work full time.  I LOVE my job!  I love the people I work with (well most of them).  I love our product…shameless plug here.  www.zanybandz.com  www.splashwatch.com  2 awesome products that I get to sell every single day!

Change #2 stems from change #1.  Lexi had to start daycare.  She did ok at daycare.  My husband wasn’t really comfortable with her there, for reasons that are perfectly logical.  While I thought we hadn’t given it enough time.  But alas, my sister in law was going to be staying home with her 3 girls all summer, so she offered to watch Lexi for us.  We pay her what we were paying the daycare, because I believe that family deserves to be paid for babysitting, even if they’re your family!  Needless to say, Lexi loves it there!  She loves playing with “the girls” and I think they enjoy having her around.

Change #3 will be coming up next week.  As of July 30, Jacob will no longer be employed by the Beggs Telephone Company.  An opportunity FINALLY came at the school, so he’s taking a teaching position there.  It’s what he went to school to do, and it’s what he really has wanted to do all along.  We are very thankful for the time he had at the telephone company.  He made some really great friends that I know he will stay in contact with.  We were also blessed to have full family covered insurance there.  So, with all my medical bills leading up to getting pregnant, then my pregnancy and eventual hospital bedrest, then Lexi in the NICU for 9 days, the insurance took care of a good part of our bill.  Thank heavens!

Change #4 will be when Lexi starts going to the daycare at the school.  We aren’t sure if my sister in law is going to be getting another job once her kids go back to school, but we want her to have that opportunity.  The school daycare is very well run, and I trust them with my child.  My nephews go there and love it, from everything I’ve heard.  I know it won’t take long for Lexi to get used to the other kids.  But, in the past week she’s developed a horrible habit of being mean to other kids!  My nieces are 5 and 6 and Lexi bullies them constantly through the day.  She even made an attempt to bite today!  Naturally, my first word of advice was SPANK HER!  Now, I’m not giving the ok to beat my kid.  But, I do think a swat on the hand can stop bad habits early on.  Anyways….I’m not getting into a spanking debate here.  But, I don’t want to have the bratty kid that all the teachers groan when she walks in the door in the morning and sing hallelujah when she leaves in the evenings!

Change #5 is insurance.  Jacob will have his insurance covered at the school.  They don’t cover whole families and the plans they offer for families are outrageously expensive.  We, and when I say we, I mean Jacob, did a lot of research on insurance companies.  First major problem is that no one HAS to have maternity coverage.  That’s a big deal for us because we do want to start trying for baby number 2 in the near future.  We narrowed the list down to 2 and decided to go with the cheaper one (duh).  But, when we start looking up our drs to see if they are covered, we hit a brick wall.  My ob/gyn isn’t in network with them.  Major FAIL.  I told Jacob I didn’t want to be harsh, or to say yeah, let’s throw an extra hundred bucks away, but there’s no way in hell I’m changing dr’s.  Dr. Lakin was my saving grace so many times!  She always knew exactly the right things to say through my miscarriages and failed cycles.  And she was right there beside me through my whole pregnancy, doing everything she could to keep me and Lexi safe.  She knew I would hate hospital bedrest, but she put me there anyways because she knew it was best.  She stayed late that first night to come and check on me and let me know everything that was going to happen, and that I was going to be there for the long haul.  She knows my whole story.  She knows ME, without having to flip through my chart every time I talk to her.  SO…I think we’re going to opt for the more expensive plan for me, and the less expensive plan for Lexi.

All things considered, our life is great!  We get to come home every night, just the 3 of us.  Sometimes it just hits me that we are a REAL FAMILY!  We’re not just a married couple anymore.  We really have a family.  We have routines…that don’t always fall correctly. 🙂  We get to cuddle Lexi for a few hours in the evenings, give her a bath, and put her in bed.  Then we get to have our “US” time….which usually consists of making fun of stuff off the internet, laughing loud, and falling asleep happy.

I love this life!  Changes are coming, but they will not get the best of us!