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The aftermath February 6, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 10:44 pm
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Wednesday seems like it was a month ago. Yesterday feels like it was a week ago. Yesterday I had my first appt with the therapist. I can’t get in to see the psychologist the psych nurse recommended until March 8th. So, the therapist will have to do in the meantime. She was nice. The office was straight out of the 70’s. I sat on a couch, facing her in a chair.
There were times when I felt like she was trying to break me. Like, she wanted me to cry. I teared up a few times, but didn’t have the meltdown I thought I would. I was more nervous on the drive up there and sitting in the waiting room. She had my paperwork from the ER, so I didn’t have to break everything down.
It was nice to have someone listen. I think that’s why I was so calm once I got to see a dr in the ER. Because someone was finally listening to me.
She told me not to feel shame. She said I was strong for standing up and doing something. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being fine and 10 being bad) where I felt like my depression was. I told her a 5 or 6. She told me at the end of the session that I was closer to 10 then what I thought. She said if she felt I was getting any worse by the next session she would recommend inpatient treatment.
My next session is on the 17th. That’s a week and a half from yesterday. I chose that instead of a week because of the co-pay amount.
Jacob wants me to find a new psychologist that I can get into before the 8th. Actually he told me that he wants me to see someone this coming week.
Since the beginning of my depression (2005) doctors have always asked me if it was just depression or depression and anxiety. It’s always been depression only. In the days since Wednesday I feel like a different person. I’ve always been easily agitated, but this is beyond that. I feel my toes start to curl and my blood start to boil. It could be about something big or something small. I feel like I’m going to explode. I need something to take the edge off.
I scheduled a drs appt for Monday morning to ask once again for something to help me sleep. Thursday night I only slept for 3 hours, and that was after taking 2 ambien. I’m sure my PCP is once again not going to take me seriously. And I don’t even know how to get into the story of Wednesday. But, I feel like I need to because I want to ask for something besides the depression medicine. And obviously my dosage of that needs to be changed. I know the psychiatrist can change the medicine up, but I agree with Jacob that it needs to happen before the 8th.
I got to hang out with my family today and it felt good. I was scared that people would give me that sympathy look, but I think everyone understands that I would rather not talk about it. I want everything to be back to normal, but I know it’s going to be a long hard road.

 

People of the medical profession: take note January 26, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 8:53 pm
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Let me start out by saying that I did not go to medical school. The only medical things I know are the things that have effected me in some way and I have heavily researched.
Let me also say that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.)

Around September 2008 I became overwhelmed with life in general. I had gone through 3 miscarriages and felt that I was never going to have a successful pregnancy. My husband and I decided that we would take a break from trying to get pregnant. It had taken a toll on our relationship and we knew we needed time to concentrate on us. Since I knew we were taking a break from trying to get pregnant I went to see my PCP (primary care physician) about depression. I had an overwhelming urge to stay in bed all day every day. On days when I did get out of bed and go to work I counted down the hours until I got home. As soon as I got home I went straight to bed. Not necessarily to sleep, just to be by myself. That was when I started the journey of anti-depressants.
Pill #1: anti-depressant
Towards the end of my pregnancy with Lexi my blood pressure got out of control. That’s why I ended up on hospital bedrest. They thought my bp would even out after I had Lexi, but it never did.
Pill #2: blood pressure medicine
In the process of finding a new PCP I had bloodwork done. My thyroid level came back wonky. Said, dr called me to say in 6 months he would have it retested. 6 months didn’t work for me. I know hypothyroidism can be a side effect of PCOS. I called my ob/gyn who had bloodwork done and found that in fact my levels were still wonky.
Pill #3: thyroid medicine
Pill #4: birth control

I have had trouble sleeping for a long time. I remember having to take Tylenol PM while I was still living with my parents…around 2004? When I started taking anti-depressants I asked for something to help me sleep also. I was prescribed Ambien, no questions asked. When I had trouble sleeping during my pregnancy my ob/gyn prescribed me Ambien, no questions asked. When Lexi came home from the hospital I didn’t need anything to help me sleep. She was waking up every few hours to eat, and I needed to be able to wake up and take care of her. And by the time bedtime rolled around I was exhausted. Now that she’s almost 9 months old and sleeping for approximately 12 hours straight at night, I am having a really hard time sleeping. After she goes to sleep around 8:30 I start “winding down.” For me, it’s a process. There is no just go to bed and lay my head on the pillow and fall asleep. I go lay down betwen 9 and 10…fall asleep around 12 or later. Then, get up when Lexi gets up.

Fast forward to today:
Go to a new dr. He asks me the routine questions of when I go to bed and when I wake up. Well, there’s not really an answer for that because I fall asleep whenever I finally fall asleep, and I get up when Lexi gets up. I need to be able to fall asleep at a decent time because I never know when she’s going to wake up in the morning. He proceeds to tell me that he believes I am in fact getting enough sleep. Maybe I should set my alarm for 6 AM every morning and after a few days I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep. That I don’t sleep because I’m depressed. That I need to change the hours I’m trying to sleep.
Nothing was accomplished by going to see him. I understand that you can become chemically dependent on Ambien and other sleep-aids. I understand that he’s a dr. and I’m not. What I don’t understand is how the advice he gave me makes no logical sense. Did he think before he spoke? Did he know that I would leave there practically in tears because I was so frustrated? I’m tired of feeling like no one is listening to me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a crazy person. But, most of all, I’m just tired.

Not that any medical professionals read my blog, but if they do:
Please think about your patient’s feelings. Please don’t treat people as if they are stupid. Please know that some people do know a lot about their conditions and the medications they are taking. Please don’t think that all people are drug-seekers who are just looking for a high. Some people really need the medications they come to you and ask for. Maybe they did a lot of research about their symptoms and think they have found something that could help. It is not at all polite to treat them as if they are stupid.

 

really? December 16, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 9:09 am
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Thank goodness it’s Wednesday so this week can be closer to being done with! Apparently my car was leaking transmission fluid, so we dropped it off at a dealership yesterday so they can figure out what’s wrong with it and fix it. I’m waiting for the to call and tell me whether it’s a warranty-covered-problem or not. I’m really hoping it is. Considering we don’t have a lot of extra money laying around for this crap!
I still haven’t been sleeping good. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then I only sleep for like 2 hours at a time. I told Jacob I’m going to call a completely different dr and not talk to him/her about anything else besides giving me something to help me sleep.
I had a dr’s appt. on Monday and she ordered labwork. It has to be fasting though, so I couldn’t do it that day. But, now I don’t have a car, so it will have to wait.
We’re going out of town this weekend. 4 hours in the car with Lexi, one way. I hope she’s good. I have to make deviled eggs while I’m there…never done that before! Also, not looking forward to having to take Jacob’s car if mine isn’t fixed. I have an issue with getting car sick and his car makes it worse! We got the tree up Monday night, but still haven’t decorated it, or anything else in the house because it’s been so busy.
Lexi hasn’t been very willing to play by herself during the day. I spend most of the time either holding her, or listening to her scream while I do whatever I need to do without holding her.
Add all these things together and it makes a very grumpy me.

 

What a day/week December 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 10:39 pm
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It’s finally Friday! Halle-freakin-llujah! This week has gone by super duper slow! Exaggerated by the fact that Lexi up and changed her sleep schedule without consulting anyone else in the house to see if we cared! And also compounded by the fact that I can’t sleep for shit anymore! This morning when I heard her talking at 8:20 I literally could not get out of bed. I finally drug myself out at 9. By this time she’s crying…not throwing a full-on fit, just crying. But, when I walked in her room and said her name, it scared her half to death and that sent her into the full-on fit. Gotta love it when your day starts that way! I fed her a bottle and sat her in the bouncy seat to go wash the bottle out and brush my teeth. As I’m walking back from the kitchen I hear her screaming. Get back in the living room to find her laying face down on the floor. She had tipped herself out of the bouncy seat face first. It’s pretty much my fault because I never strap her in. She’s usually only sitting in it for a few seconds and it’s never been an issue. But, I guess I will have to start strapping her in. However, she (nor I) learned her lesson because she almost did it again later on in the day. Crisis number 1 taken care of. Fast forward to this afternoon. I decided to take some pictures of her in her Christmas dress. I need to find something to go on a Christmas card. Horrible idea! Lexi wasn’t having any of it. She only wanted to do what SHE wanted to do and nothing else. We finally made it to 5:00 when Jacob got off work. We headed out to the bank, dinner, and to drive through Honor Heights Park in Muskogee, OK to see their Christmas lights. Jacob and I have gone every year that we’ve been together, and that’s where he proposed! So, we definately wanted to take Lexi there. I’m pretty sure she slept through the whole thing though. We got home right about Lexi’s bedtime…or used-to-be-bedtime. Finally gave up on getting her to fall asleep and put her in her crib at 10 (2 hours after bedtime), turned on her nursery rhyme soother thing and called it good. Hopefully there will be no waking up until the morning! And hopefully I can get some sleep tonight!
I did manage to get this today: