Adventures of a new mom!

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I feel it August 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 1:06 pm
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That sneaky feeling of depression and anxiety creeping up. 

It’s been about 3 weeks since I stopped taking my anti-depressant.  Before you go all crazy on me (mom I know you read this), I’m really doing well.  Here’s what led up to this decision. 

  • Getting a job really helped me to feel like I was doing something.  I know being a mom is doing something.  But, when your child is too little to acknowledge the fact that you’re doing a good job, it’s hard to feel like your life is meaningful.
  • Jacob changed jobs.  His previous job provided full family insurance.  His new job (teacher) pays for his insurance and the rates for family coverage are outrageous.  So, we filled out an application for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Oklahoma.  I didn’t do a great job filling out the application and left some health history stuff off (the fact that I am no longer taking Metformin or Clomid), so my coverage got denied.  I’m in the process of submitting more information and hopefully I will be approved.  Anyways…this leaves me without insurance.  Pristiq-the anti-depressant I was taking, is extremely expensive even with insurance. 

So, I stopped taking my anti-depressant, because I can’t afford to refill it without insurance.  I do have about a month and a half supply that I can start taking again if I start feeling really bad.    I’ve been doing really well without it though.

But because I’ve dealt with it long enough, I know what depression/anxiety actually feels like  when it starts…I can tell there’s something not quite right.  But, I’m not bailing on my decision to be without the medication, just yet.  I’m going to do everything in my power to overcome these feelings. 

I’ve always been one to worry about things I can’t control, and that’s where a lot of these feelings are coming from.  Work has dramatically slowed down and my hours have been cut.  So, the fear of being once again jobless is always in the back of my mind.  Being without insurance is scary as well.  What if I get really sick?  What if Lexi gets really sick?  My weight is a big (literally) factor in my moods also.  I’m trying to watch what I eat.  But, when I’m hungry, I tend to be grumpy.  The heat of summer is killing me!  It’s too hot to do anything.  Just a simple trip to the grocery store is annoying, and even Lexi gets annoyed with the heat, so that makes her grumpy too!

So, I keep telling myself that these are all temporary feelings that will go away.  I just feel like an anti-depressant isn’t something you should take forever and ever.   And I’ve been on some sort of anti-depressant for several years now.  I know it isn’t something to take lightly, and I’m not.  I also know you shouldn’t go off any medication without your dr’s advice….but I’m also very stubborn and think my decisions are always right. 

Anyways…sorry that turned into a long ramble.  Just had to put those feelings out there.

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life….it sucks July 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 11:59 pm
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Can anything ever just be normal?

Everything is always spiraling out of control.  And I can’t stand not being in control.

First cycle off BCP.  Wasn’t going to get my hopes up, because why should it work?!  Here I am wanting to test 40 times a day, with my hopes up, that it really did work.  idiot

Migraines from hell for like 2 weeks straight.  Imitrex, Maxalt make me so sick, so I can’t take them while I’m at work, or anywhere else unless I can lay down immediately after taking it.  Can’t take a preventive medicine because Pristiq is too hardcore to be paired with anything like that.  On top of that I’ve been dizzy as hell!  The only way to explain the feeling is, you know when you’re power flickers and your computer monitor or tv fades out and then comes back on?  It’s like that…except for with my head.  Almost like something up there is randomly mis-firing.  Scary thought!  Of course it’s scary when you think there’s something wrong with your brain.  But I’ve had like 12 CAT scans that showed nothing, so I’m sure it’s nothing.  Me being over-dramatic and complaining.

Nothing is ever right or ok.  If it’s not one thing it’s another.

I have nowhere to go anymore.  No one to listen.  No one to give me advice.  My CO ladies turned their backs on me and it’s hard for me to even go there, nonetheless vent or ask for advice.  That alone breaks my heart.  For so long they helped me through everything.  It’s a TTC website, but it was so much more than that.  Now I go there and linger, read posts, want to give advice.  But, I’m too scared that someone is going to take it the wrong way, or shrug me off. 

I can’t even really vent here.  Someone gets pissed off that the whole world knows our problems…as if anyone reads this crap. 

I’m sure my family gets tired of hearing my problems too, so why bother them?

I’m just so frustrated.  And it’s so much more frustrating to have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, no one who gives a rats ass about how I feel, or what I want to do, or if everything is ok.

I’ve always been good at putting on a front.  Everything is perfect and fine on the outside, but on the inside I’m dying!

 

Psychiatrist Appt. #2 April 5, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 8:54 pm
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I was so nervous last night that I could barely sleep. I always feel like dr’s are going to make me drag up old emotions and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I know that’s their job and it would probably make me feel better to talk about some things. But at the same time I feel like I don’t have time or energy to deal with it.
The appt. was good though. Dr. Forbes was content with the new dosage of Pristiq. I told her I had no idea it was even an option to increase the dosage until she mentioned it at my last visit. Why is it that PCP’s don’t give you these options? We talked about anxiety and insomnia. She feels like maybe if I got a little more restful sleep then I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with anxiety. She upped my dosage of Trazodone from 50-100mg to 150-200mg. This is another medicine that no PCP had ever given me the option of.
I was also pleasantly surprised that the insurance had gone back and payed something on my last visit. Yay!
I don’t have another visit until June 1. Hopefully if everything is going well, I will be able to space the appts out even further than that.

 

frustrating March 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 3:41 pm
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It’s a given that I am battling depression. Duh! Everyone knows!
The one place where I can state my true and honest opinion…get out all my venting, has kinda turned it’s back on me. I love that forum. I love the people there. But, today I was really hurt.
I don’t feel like I’m an ungrateful mother or wife. I know I’m truly blessed to have everything I have. But, who doesn’t want more from their life? You’re lying if you say that you love to clean house, cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, etc. You’re lying if you say every single second of motherhood is easy and blissful. I don’t think that venting or getting frustrated makes me a bad mom. Especially with depression.
I don’t want to use depression as a crutch. I whole-heartedly want to get better. I know this isn’t the life I’m supposed to live. That being said, I think I’m taking the steps I need to take to get better. I take my medicine, I see a psychiatrist, I’m working on diet and exercise because I know that will eventually make me feel better. I also think it’s harder for me because I’ve been battling it for so long. And it got bad, it got really bad, it got suicide bad. It’s a big hill to climb to get back to normal after that. But I’m trying.
I also wish people would just be up front and say what they think from the beginning. Don’t beat around the bush and act like you like me if you really can’t stand me. If you think I’m a bad mom, say it! Don’t wait for someone else to initiate the conversation and then take that as an opportunity to “gang up” on me. Say it from the freaking beginning! I would much rather someone talk about me to my face than talk about me behind my back!

 

anxiety and the weekend March 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 8:42 pm
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For the most part my anxiety has been under control. But, this weekend I lost a little bit of that control. We were due to spend the weekend with Jacob’s Nana, Papaw, and Aunt Twila. I love them. They are really his step-grandparents and step-aunt, but you would never know it. They are honestly the only part of his family that accepted me from day 1. I’m really grateful for that. But, I haven’t been up there since I had my major meltdown. There was a part of me that wanted to stay home and have a weekend to myself again, but I knew I had to go.
Friday Lexi and I spent the day shopping with my mom. We had fun, and of course it was great to just get out of the house. We made it to Ft. Gibson Friday evening and everything was pretty good. I honestly didn’t start having anxiety issues until Saturday afternoon/evening.
Saturday morning Lexi got up at like 2am. Nana and Aunt Twila were determined to take care of her. And instead of feeding/changing her and putting her back in bed, Nana slept in the recliner with her. I got up a few times to check on them, and just knowing that someone else was up with my child made me uneasy. It’s my job, ya know?! So, I finally got up around 8 am. We just hung out all day, and then headed to the mall that evening. Lexi got her first pair (actually 2 pairs) of Stride Rite shoes courtesy of Aunt Twila. The mall was crazy though. Teenagers were running into me every 3 seconds because they were too busy texting to watch where they were going. Lexi didn’t want to be in the stroller. Getting a littler worse. We went to walmart to pick up a few things. Lord knows that’s always a nightmare, so by the time we got out of there my level of anxiety was through the roof. Then we have to try to decide where to eat dinner. That’s a nightmare in and of itself. By the time we get settled at Buffalo Wild Wings I had to pop a Lorazepam. It did take the edge off some. But, I still wasn’t able to sleep good last night. Not knowing if/when Lexi was going to wake up, if someone besides me would be able to get her back to sleep if she did wake up. Then, I never heard her wake up last night, so I woke up this morning at 8 and started freaking out because she never sleeps that long without waking up. I tossed and turned for a little while and then finally just got up, checked on her, and showered and got dressed for the day. Today we went to lunch with Jacob’s sister and her family. That hour long lunch was too much for me. I felt like I was having to bullshit my way through it. I didn’t want to be there at all. I was just so ready to go home. Even the ride home was stressful.
I don’t know what it was, but I just felt like I didn’t play a part in the weekend at all. That it wouldn’t have mattered if I was there or not.
I’m glad to be home! Back in my own bed! Back to my own schedule!

 

It’s been a while March 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 9:39 pm
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Where do I even begin? Lexi is almost 11 months old!
She got RSV a few weeks ago. She looked and felt awful. We spent 2 nights in the recliner because she refused to sleep anywhere other than my arms. I’m glad I could give her that comfort. Since then she’s decided she only wants to be put to bed on her belly, and in the past few days has started pushing her little bottom up in the air. It’s so stinking cute!
Last weekend was her first weekend away from DH and I. She went to her Nana, Papaw, and Aunt Twila’s house. From everything I heard, she had a really great time and was well-behaved.
We’ve had a few nice days this week, so I’ve taken Lexi outside for a while. She likes to walk barefoot in the grass and today we picked flowers! Summer is going to be so fun. We’re going to need to get a little swimming pool for her to play in!
So far she still hasn’t gotten all the way up on her hands and knees to crawl…but she sure gets around! I put all her toys in a neat pile, and within 10 minutes they are scattered all over the living room.
It’s been about a month since I’ve been next door to visit my niece and nephews. I miss them, but I am still very upset by things my SIL has said about Lexi. She always makes it a point to talk about how she’s not crawling yet, and how her kids crawled way before this. I understand that everyone thinks their own kids are the greatest…but she pushes it to the extreme. Her and my brother also made it a point to tell us that if we were more involved in church then I wouldn’t have had my “episode.” I don’t disagree that God can help every situation. But, I also believe that we have modern medicine for a reason, and there’s no sense in me trying to fix a problem myself when there is help available.
I’m busy planning Lexi’s first birthday. We have decided to do a Backyardigan’s theme since she loves that show so much.
Well, I guess that’s a quick update, as there isn’t really anything exciting going on here!

 

screwed up February 16, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Danielle Brigance @ 11:42 pm
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Everything seems so screwed up. My head is spinning in a million different directions. I’m constantly thinking about the things I’ve done wrong.

I’ve had 3 miscarriages. I feel like they’re forgotten. But to me, they will never be forgotten. They weren’t embryos or fetuses. Even at 6 weeks, they were my babies. I never saw them on the ultrasound screen. I never heard their heartbeat on the doppler. I never got to feel them move. But, they were mine, and they were taken from me.

I’ve been fired twice. Laid off, let go, fired…it all means the same thing. I haven’t had a job longer than 2 years. Not only that, but this time around, I’ve been unemployed for over a year now. So not only do I not have a job, but apparently I’m not good enough for any of the thousand or so that I’ve applied for.

When I was on hospital bedrest I prayed every day to go into labor. Lexi was born 4 weeks early and spent 9 days in the NICU. I will never forgive myself for putting her through that. Because I was so selfish to not want to be in the hospital anymore, I prayed for her to come early. She spent 9 days in the NICU, being poked and prodded, tubes in her nose and mouth, IV’s in her arms.

I’m not the mom that I should be We tried for so long to have a baby. Once we brought Lexi home I couldn’t have been happier. But, then she got colic. She cried all the time and I didn’t know what to do for her. I couldn’t help her to feel better. Not just that, but it made me angry. It made me angry to listen to her cry all the time. It made me angry that I couldn’t put her down for 5 minutes to use the restroom or brush my teeth. I still get angry when she throws fits. My husband has told me so many times that I need to wake up and realize what I’m doing. It hurts for people to encenuate that I don’t love her. Because I do love her. I love her with every single part of me. I pray for her night and day. I whisper “never leave me” in her ear every night as I lay her in bed, because I know I can’t go on without her. But, I know I’m not the best mom.

I suffer from depression. And it has taken over my life. It is a day to day battle that I fight. And I fight it alone. If I’m allowed to find a babysitter for Lexi and lay in bed all day, that is Jacob enabling me. The other option is to fight through the day…feeling like a Zombie and praying for the day to be over. I hate that I can’t overcome this. I hate that I have to take medication and see therapists.

I feel like every day is a battle. I have to wake up and put on a mask. Make everyone believe that everything is normal and perfect. Fight my demons alone. Once everyone else has gone to bed. Then I can sit and think and write and cry. Because if you do that during the day you might be having another breakdown. If you ask for help, you never know what people are going to say. Sure, everyone tells you they love you and that they’ll do anything for you. But, when it comes down to it, they are going to gossip about you behind your back just like everyone else.

Depression is real. And it’s hard. And the hardest part is that I fight alone. What do people want me to say when they call to ask how I’m doing? They want a short, easy, “I’m doing fine.” Nobody wants to hear about how I wanted to pull the covers over my head and lay in bed all day. Nobody wants to hear about how I feel like I’m never going to get better.

So tonight, I’ll cry myself to sleep thinking about all the things I should have done better. I’ll wake up tomorrow, put on my mask, and be danielle…wife and mom.